"Progress is Happiness?"

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"Progress is Happiness??"

Warning !! [klu anda seorg y negative so dont dare to read it. maka smpai disini sje lah pembacaan anda.. please ignore this post.. if n only if u are positive enough n u care n have a very good word to say please read until the last full stop and leave ur comment below.. otherwise just leave... i need some space... a good one.. seriously now.. please dont judge me if u dont even know me.. i love u still :)] super long wordy notes.. 

Frankly talk... actually aku rase aku ada buat salah... n ia sgt menghantui hidup aku skung ni... as u know aku bukan lah sesiapa... it just me... nothing good to display n no word to describe.. not perfect either... i dont know how things become so complicated... n why did i make it complicated at first... procrastination is really a critical sickness and diseases that even specialist hospital got no medicine for this type of epidemic.. to die with it or to live better without it is in our own hand, our own choice...

when i start procrastinate its when i start lying n start running away from fact... its turn me become a coward.. its addictive.. just like drug addict who addictive to drug i am addictive to PLR.. n i am just a coward addicting... i enjoy being a coward in day time but the hurtful feeling in the inside hurt a lot, i start blaming myself n i even felt guilty in the night time... i waste my precious time n it hurt a lot.. i lost my self... i cant recognize myself... why did i change to a bad person! am i bad person? why i do start procrastinate? i dont enjoy my life.. its full of guilty feeling.. nothing much i can do about it these day... 

fears of facing the truth.. fear to accept the truth.. takut nak berdepan dgn kenyataan hidup... takut nak hadapi reality hidup.. takut nak berdepan dgn diri sendiri... takut nak hadapi due date.. takut gagal... fear of failure but keep doing the wrong things... i dont know why with this attitude.. where on the earth i get this attitude.. i hate people judging me.. i hate it when people look down at me.. i hate people look me as stupid... i hate it when org anggap aku ni sampah masyarakat, bodoh sgt... i care a lot what and how people look at me, their perspectives toward me its really matter so much to me.. aku takut jadi budak bodoh.. aku takut di pandang bodoh.. aku takut org pandang rendah pada aku... [but i am really stupid aint it][entah2 org xpernah terfikir psl aku kan.. no one care.. who am i anyway...]

at the same time aku rase aku takut nak bertanya pda org to narrow down my masalah kerana sbb2 tu lah.... i scared if i look stupid.. xtau knape dgn attitude aku ni... what make me think like this... sapa aku?? apa y aku mahukan?? aku dah kenapa kan?? aku takut org kutuk aku, org cakap2 blakang y buruk psl aku.. i dont even trust myself.. knape aku jadi seorg y lower minded mcm ni... [y lebih tepat x confident dgn keupayaan diri sndri!!]

ever since i was with her.. she always bad mouthed me n it always happen in front of other people or many peoples... my friends, my classmates at all age, ranges.. even little kids dont like to be scold in front of other people, so what do u expect i will feel toward this at my age....?? even if u are angry at me, u can do it one to one... slap me if u want but please let it be between u and me... dont make me look stupid in front of my friends... aku ada maruah... terase seperti maruah ku dipijak2... i know i did wrong... n maybe i need guide n sometime i need support.. is that all a teacher should give to a blurr, slow n stupid student like me... maybe i expect too much from u..... i should not do that.. u are also human... maybe u have tried ur best to supervise n maybe u didnt mean what u said earlier.. n surely maybe i deserve it.. but unfortunately i cant manage to handle this as an advice but more to a humiliation... biasa aku x cepat sentap tapi tetibe jek hal ni jadi seperti duri or selumba y tertusuk dihati dalam daging... even dh buang tapi sakit tu still terase... i feel like someone i trust slap me in a crowd of peoples with no notice and no explanation.. at least give me some space to explain myself n maybe some reasons why did i do that... i really cant accept it.. maybe i am stupid at something that u are best at but i am not a fool... i am human too.. no one is perfect... i cant be perfect all the time.. impossible..   

days, weeks, months even years passed.. i keep doing the wrong thing my self.. i can't even ask for help... but now i seriously... i want to yell.... YES!! PLEASE HELP ME!!!!!!! I NEED HELP!!!! I NEED HELP!! PLEASE HELP ME!!!! i just dont know where else i can throw this guilty feeling.. i am actually back stabbing myself... i killed my self... i am killing my self.. i am dying for my own did... i am betraying my self... i hate it when i cant trust my closest friends n family  [i even hate it more when i cant even trust myself]... i dont think they can understand my problem right now..

[since i am not someone like this before so i keep that smiling face in front of them, keep making jokes, just act like a normal me but deep inside who knows] that's why i cant even tell them my problem, my backside, my dark side, my flaws now.. they should see me flawless, just happy go lucky me.. so back then, i dont get the kind of support that i need... no one here for me to give me good words, support and all i need.. sometime i feel all alone!! that's why i am stupid at something other people pro at... i need shoulders to cry one, i need ears to listen to what i need to said, i need someone to sit down with me talk to me about my problem discuss with me how would be the solution... [i need someone to help me narrow down my job to finish up my thesis for real i dont want to fail!]    

maybe i am not strong at heart.... my heart is too soft... i need to learnt... i keep praying to Allah... keep praying supaya Allah bukak kan hati aku, kuat kan semangat aku untk hadapi semua ni dgn aman n tenang n di tunjukkan jalan y lurus lagi mudah dan benar untk aku lalui... semoga aku ikhlasdalam setiap hal especially untk maaf kan semua org n smoga semua org pn boleh maaf kan aku atas segala kesilapan aku dgn seikhlas y boleh..

aku juga manusia biasa... aku buat silap... i make mistake.. a lot of mistakes... i am not perfect... i cant be too perfect too...i can be good at something and best at somethings else and sometime to naive and stupid at some other things too...  i just cant be perfect... but i learnt though experience... 

still i keep searching for the solution to get back my pride n soul.... its missing at somewhere... i am human too... there always time at the upper n bottom too... maybe this is just me when i was at the bottom... i must make my self at the upper soon... 

i am trying to accept my weakness.. i think that is my weakness... i scared of my own wrong did.. n i scared to move on... n hurt a lot... i must step of n move on... one step above n forward make me a step toward success.. thats whats so called progress is happiness... procrastination makes u feel guilty n it will rotten ur mind n soul... 

i my human too... my weakness... my bad... i accept it... i am stupid at something.. yep.. but i dare to keep learning to rise n shine.. theres no way to stop dreaming n pursuing the dreams.. i am just a step away from success... look forward... forgive everyone... n please forgive me everyone for everything...

i make mistake.... my bad... my weakness... i am just too naive too bold too arrogant thats my bad... i learnt best from experiences... i appreciates honest shares..   

skung i keep baca ayat 1-5 surah al fath ni dan cuba faham kan terjemanhan nya skali... i hope it works on me... bnyk pengajaran blh dpt, mcm dlm surah al rahman ayat ni ada bnyk kali sebut.. "Fabiayyi 'ala irobbikuma tukadziban..." Nikmat tuhanmu yang mana engkau dustakan??? janji Allah itu pasti.. al quran itu assyifa.. ubat segala ubat untuk segla penyakit.. penyakit hati fizikal atau mental... "Wanunazzilu minal Qurani maa huwa Syifaa u Wa Rahmatan Lil Mukminin..."Ertinya: Dan kami turunkan Al Quran suatu penawar (obat) bagi orang-orang yang beriman.. (QA : 17 : 82)

ini perkongsian dari fb.. what ever it takes before it became medicine n antibody to our body we really have to take this consistently n istiqomah lah to heal our mind n soul... insyaAllah... anyhow in anyway there always solution to all problem.. selalu ada harapan bagi mereka yang berdoa, selalu ada jalan bagi mereka yang berusaha. believe in ur self. believe in Allah... 

keep moving forward.. never stop learning!!

surah al fath ayat 1-5 

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Surah al Fath 

[1]

Sesungguhnya Kami telah membuka bagi perjuanganmu (wahai Muhammad) satu jalan kemenangan yang jelas nyata,

[2]

Kemenangan yang dengan sebabnya Allah mengampunkan salah dan silapmu yang telah lalu dan yang terkemudian, dan menyempurnakan nikmatNya kepadamu, serta menambahkanmu hidayah ke jalan yang lurus (dalam mengembangkan Islam dan melaksanakan hukum-hukumnya).

[3]

Dan dengan sebabnya Allah memberikanmu pertolongan (untuk mencapai kejayaan) dengan sepunuh-penuh dan sehandal-handal pertolongan (yang tidak ada bandingannya).

[4]

(Tuhan yang membuka jalan kemenangan itu) Dia lah yang menurunkan semangat tenang tenteram ke dalam hati orang-orang yang beriman (semasa mereka meradang terhadap angkara musuh) supaya mereka bertambah iman dan yakin beserta dengan iman dan keyakinan mereka yang sedia ada; pada hal Allah menguasai tentera langit dan bumi (untuk menolong mereka); dan Allah adalah Maha Mengetahui, lagi Maha Bijaksana.

[5]

(Allah melakukan yang demikian) supaya ia memasukkan orang-orang yang beriman – lelaki dan perempuan – ke dalam Syurga yang mengalir di bawahnya beberapa sungai; dengan keadaan kekal mereka di dalamnya, serta menghapuskan dosa-dosa mereka; dan adalah yang demikian itu pada sisi Allah merupakan kejayaan yang besar (untuk mereka)

InsyaAllah.. Amin...

Doa kan y terbaik untk kita semua.. semoga akan selalu sukses dan diberkati olehNya...

BarakaAllah