Ya Allah gimme strengths.... i really feel in need.... but got no one to story.... y is that live is always like this.... y...?? y always the smallest thing become the core subject to be discuss right now.... confuse....
too many things too be discuss but with whom..... no one will but my mom.... i have no one else who would understand me more.... i think i was wrong for something... i was wrong... many things does not happen like i wish.......................................
many things bother me right now.... that i want to forget everything.... 1st... my mom is sick... i want to blame my brother for her sickness.. becoz of him..... he had pressure her.... i hate him.... truly hate him for that.... y cant he think before he do something... please respect the olds.... she no one else but our mom.... i hate you......... i just dont know what should i do just now... please..... gimme me strengths to face this.... mom please get well soon.... i miss u... i really need u now...... i'm sorry for not protecting u last time.... speechless...
mom.. please.... u know i got no one else but u... i really depending on u.... even though how i wish to be independent when i was in school... but not now.... i need u.... to talk........ u know i have no good friend to story about everything.... when i did, they always talk about other things... but i really need to talk.... i want it out from my mind............... i need a good listener and a brilliant advisor... the expert... u know how i wish u to be here with me........ please get well as soon as possible... please pity me.......
mom.. u know what........ before, i just make my own conclusion about his relationship... but this time is real... he is in relationship.. truly.... i saw it with my both eyes... hmmm... i can't cry... coz i dont have any reason to do so... but quite upset.... coz i have promise my self to full fill his third request on my hp.no......... i give hopes..... that's only turn into hopeless.... y cant he wait for bit longer.... hmmm... what a question..... maybe he is just teasing me....... but thats totally bad..........................................
rather than i being hurt like this... its better dont even have one or try one..... i hope it wont spoils my days... of coz not... not at all..... not even once.....after this..... i hate my self being like this... i really want to be independent and maturer about this things.. so that i wont hurt and taught about it so much...so that i wont nervous or scared when facing the bastard... opsss....
that's the biggest things that matter in me... is that.. i.. easily likes someone... easily express in the face and movement... but hardly told..... i have to be more realistic in any way i was in..... no matter what.... i want to treat all equally..... interested... fancy... liked... what else... no matter what.... i suppose.... i my self would be fine like that... what ever u said.... i'll just follow... dont worry.... coz i think....
from now on.. i dont care about those things anymore.... i just dont care... i think it'll be ended just like that.. that i dont have to take it seriously.... sometimes there's always something that completely out of mind... sometimes.... it would be nice if we play something....sometimes i would be nicer if we open our mind n makes everything around us a challenge or a toys to play with.. i think life should be easier and happier that way..... take it easy.... n have fun i whatever we re doing.... and be happy always.. no matter what happen.... no one should know if we were sad or what.... i have to be strong....
something must make me a sense... a sense or the humor of being better everyday... i dont want one day that i turn in 30's... that there's still nothing change n still keep doing the same thing all the day... that's totally boring... i dont want to waste my time like that.... i want to make something different.... the odd of me but i like.... yes... while finding something match me... i really have to change.... have to make a move... yet i dont get something that really meaningful to me...
if i die tomorrow... if tomorrow there no more me... not exist....
what is the last thing i want to do today..??
sleep.... hehe!! stay in front here..... checking the fb that likely fully of games...
the first would be...
i want to see my mom smiles... and my beloved family, dad, brothers n sister... fullstops..
if i could.. i want to say... u re so precious... i love u too much... and afraid of losing u... n i was so sorry for everything... n sorry for every single things that i've done... i hope my existence never makes u feel's hard.. of coz i did... i was sorry... when i'm gone... please pray for me.... please.... i cant pay every penny u given me... i totally cant.. i was sorry.... coz i dont have any now...... how......
for my self......... i want to love u more..... i love me too much....n scared to hurt u..... i really have appreciate u... if i live longer.............................................................................................................................
i really want to be happy.. the way i am.... dont care with who.. thats does not matter... enough with my love..
i want to enjoy every second i have.... every penny i got.... every love i care......
if i live a little bit longer.... i just want too make my mom happy.... as long as she is happy then i will be happier..... that's all the things that matter....
i'll make ur dreams comes true....... i know what u want from me.... i know.... because what u want is exactly what i want.... so please dont worry about it....
its not about i dont have my own direction... just that i think thats the best for me.... no arguing... no forcing.....
i'll try my best to be like i wish to be... coz i know u're too sporting to tell me what to do n not to do... u're too supportive that u'll always agree with me.... i love u mom... i love u more than i love my self.... i love u better more than anything in this wide world.... i've realize it long ago...
TT_TT
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